weddings are political - why i don’t believe in the division of ‘business and politics’

it started in patriarchy

I think most of us know that marriage (as we know it in the UK) began as a way to bind women to men so that men could secure their offspring and ensure they had biological heirs. It was about wealth, property, alliances, sex, children and a literal ‘handing over’ from father to husband. That bit still in some legal ceremonies - ‘who gives this woman?’ - that’s where it comes from.

It was only twelve years ago, in 2014, that same-sex* marriage was legalised in England, Wales and Scotland and only six years ago that Scotland followed in 2020. It is still not legal for same-sex couples to get married in The Church of England, Catholic churches and many other religious institutions. The Church of England’s stance is:

“It is both a privilege and a duty for your vicar to join a man and a woman in marriage. Although same-sex marriage legislation has changed, it remains the case that it is not legally possible for same-sex couples to marry in the Church of England”

*It is important to note that same-sex is not an inclusive term and excludes many folk in the LGBTQIA+ community.

it remains rooted in patriarchy

Every couple who has planned a wedding, regardless of how you identify, will have experienced the blight of Patriarchy. Suppliers marketing and speaking solely to ‘Brides’. Wedding photographers packages beginning with ‘Bridal Prep’. The assumptions from Bridal Dress shops that women will lose weight before their wedding day. Venues having one ‘Bridal Prep’ room. The term Bridezilla being used when a woman asserts an opinion. The assumptions that a woman marrying a man will take her husband’s surname. The centring of fathers on wedding days and the erasure of mothers (who likely did most of the upbringing). The Big Three Speeches - FOTB, Best Man, Groom i.e. Mens voices being the only ones heard. The Bride’s chosen women being ‘maids’ and the Grooms being ‘men.’

I could go on for days.

it fuels the billion-dollar weight loss industry

‘I want to look my best’ really means ‘I want to look the thin’

There is no escaping the very loud, very repetitive drone of weight loss noise when it comes to weddings. I recently discussed the pressure I was feeling as a size 12-14 to shrink down for our wedding. Being constantly shown the same very small bodies in blogs, magazines, clothing websites and the work of my peers was seeping into my subconscious and erasing my very string anti-diet, pro fat-liberation views. It is a political act of defiance to reject weight loss for your wedding.

money talks. take a look at who is getting richer

If we take a look at the luxury world of the wedding industry we will find whiteness. From venues on the land of wealthy Dukes to planners that have made it big on tiktok, our money speaks louder than words. Who we choose to invest in, buy from, pay for their services, dictates what becomes the norm. Deciding to hire LGBTQIA+ suppliers, choosing to pay for POC-owned businesses and spending with disabled vendors (not just when it comes to weddings) is an act of resistance.

we are afraid to get it wrong, so we do nothing

‘I’m scared to show up as myself’

‘I don’t know enough to talk about it’

‘I’ll lose followers’

‘Conflict terrifies me’

‘I might say the wrong thing’

The conversation I have the most is from people telling me they are scared of getting something wrong. This paralysis means that they do nothing, say nothing, take no action. I am experiencing shadow-banning on instagram and the refusal of Meta to boost my posts based on my page being ‘too political’. These fears are valid. Yes, I have to work a little harder to be seen that someone who says nothing, shows the same weddings with the same bodies. Yes, I get things wrong. I listen to those who correct me, thank them and move forward. I am learning every day. Yes, I put people off booking with me. I see it as a gift. The ones who find me and are ecstatic to work with me are my people in every way.

That is my privilege.

i worked on my safety as a white cis-woman, but a wedding day without those privileges is a minefield

I recently attended the first Holding Space session held by the gorgeous Aliya aka @theinclusivecelebrant discussing racism in the wedding industry. I got to listen to people with lived experience of racism talk about their treatment as people of colour in the industry and had my privilege handing to me on a plate. In 2022 I had a little viral moment in the wedding world for talking about how unsafe I felt at weddings as a woman. I had a lot of big conversations, put new terms into my contract, spoke with my couples about ‘safe people’ at their weddings and began marketing heavily into feminist and queer spaces. My issues were fixed! I did it! I am now safe at all of my weddings!

Listening to people of colour, trans people, disabled people and folks with all those intersections that I do not have speaking on suffering from racism, transphobia, ableism at weddings (as well as the wider world) woke me up. There is so much work to be done. And it is my job as white, cis, non-disabled woman to shine a spotlight onto these voices and raise them up.

where do we go now?

We stop using our privilege as an excuse to hide behind our fear. We recognise that everything we do is a political act.

We make small changes like boycotting amazon and using independent bookstores, small businesses and seeking out queer owned, POC-owned suppliers. We might have to wait a couple days for them to arrive. We realise that the wait is more important than funding billionaires.

We have that uncomfortable conversation with our in-laws about our non-binary wedding photographer who uses they/them pronouns. We tell them it’s ok if they get it wrong and use she/her instead and to simply correct themselves and be open to correction. We ask them to practice with us, with each other, with their friends.

We hear Uncle Bob ask the black cake-maker setting up her creation on the wedding day ‘where are you from?’ and step into the conversation. Perhaps we redirect him by asking him a question we know the answer to: ‘do you mind pointing out your family to me, I’d love to get a picture of you all?’

We seek out suppliers that align with our values. We look beyond their work and find what they care about. We look at their instagram reposts, their stories, their google reviews to see if they’ve spoken or crowd-funded for or donated to causes we are passionate about too. We see their activism work in support of Palestine and we love their videography so we book them.

We listen. We work to find the intersections we don’t have and fill the gaps from people with lived experience. We share our resources and our learnings.

Let’s begin.